Have you ever had a day where you are just done? Done. Worn out? Filled with sorrow? Tired of going through the motions?
What happens when those days turn into weeks. And then months. And before you know it it has been years and you are still dealing with the same heartache. The same pain. The same exhausting problem that has kept you down for quite some time. Me down for close to two years.
I recall when it first started with me. When my discomfort began to be pain. Time went by and, like with everything else, as a mom we seem to put ourselves last. Not that that is a bad thing. We stay busy, we continue on, keep pushing. And a year of discomfort turned into pain. And that lead to other things. You don’t need to hear the whole story, because honestly it would take up too many words and it’s just not necessary. But here is my point….
When my pain started to effect my daily life I decided I needed to get serious. Pray, Doctor, X-rays, massages, physical therapy, medicine. Back to the doctor, pray, MRI, bulging disk in neck, more medication, exercise, shorter days at work. Pray. Time goes on. Pray. And with each day it’s hard to feel improvement.
Monday night I can’t sleep. Wake up Tuesday unable to move, excruciating pain. Tears(lots of them). Back to doctor. I’m sure he thought I was a nut. I mean I literally cried through my whole appointment and that’s not me. Not me. With tears streaming down my cheeks (my man and his sympathetic eyes because he had to drive me) I explained to this doctor that I have a high pain tolerance. I say to him “Listen, I had three babies(my boy over 10 pounds) with no drugs. No epidural. Why is this so painful.”
He begins to explain nerves and the pain from them is a different animal. My bulging disk is now to the point of impacting the nerve. In my neck. Solution, we ask?? You guessed it….he casually looks at me and tells me I will need an epidural in my neck. Tears come. Hard. Those of you who know me, know I was about to throw myself in the floor (If I hadn’t been in pain I might have). I seriously had three kids without that needle and now he would like one in my neck. Tears streaming. Big eyes staring back at me. He gave me a second option(which we jumped on) but only for 6 weeks. After that….well….I just won’t speak it out loud.
I laid in bed yesterday afternoon looking out the window. And I hurt. Not only physically, but mentally. Anyone who suffers from pain knows- It gets rough on the mind. One of my closest friends has suffered from back pain for years. Severe back pain. Tears. I have watched my mom suffer in pain for over three years from the effects of cancer. Pain. Tears.
What is your struggle? Maybe you don’t have to manage physical pain, but you watch a family member battle it. Maybe it’s not physical at all. Maybe it is depression or feelings of loneliness. Maybe you are alone. Maybe you battle insecurities or fear. Or maybe, just maybe, you are in a season where all is well for you. What is your struggle?
Because today as I spend yet another day stuck in bed watching rain dancing on the pond, I know I am not alone. Luke 5 tells us that Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. Strength comes from God! If you are in a lonely place, pray and seek God. Even Jesus did that.
Sometimes pain is exhausting. Sometimes waiting takes its toll. Sometimes no matter what you are facing, it seems impossible. But this morning I heard this quote and it opened my eyes. Allow it to open yours.
“If we don’t produce the muscle and go to the trouble it takes to get that lesson learned on the way to that piece of ground he is giving us. If we don’t have to go in and take it by force sometimes. If we don’t have to fight for it….we won’t have the muscle to keep it when we get there. Your route is important. The way is important. Gods got his own GPS and you can trust it!”
Trust God through the pain and through the sorrow. Through the hurt and the loss. Knowing that God knows the way. James, Jesus’ brother, tells us to Consider it pure joy (whenever) you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
He doesn’t say if. He says whenever. This is real life. We are going to face trials. I am learning today that if I am going to be mature and complete, if I am going to be used the way God wants me to, I have to find joy. I have to find joy in the pain. If you have any tricks- tell me. Because I know this….I want to be the woman He intends for me to be. And if it takes debilitating neck pain to get me there- then I am going to find joy in my route! It may not be today or even tomorrow, but I will be seeking the Joy until it is found. Because I am His daughter and He loves me! You, you are His child too! Don’t forget that. When the pressure gets too hard and you feel like you can’t go on- find Him.
Some days life is hard. Many days really. But you know what is amazing about hard days? His word gets us through them.
“Because of the LORD’S great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him”
My pain, your pain. My sorrow, your sorrow. They will not consume us. God is faithful. Every time. Every time God is faithful. It may not be the answer we were looking for and it may take a lot longer than we had hoped, but I will wait for Him. Because I know through my pain, through yours, He is making us who He wants us to be. He is building our muscle, our soul. His child.
So whatever you are in the middle of, stop and breathe. Walk over to Gods word and pick it up. Look around and see Joy. It may be raining, but dance. Dance like the drops in a puddle. The pain may still be there, but your mind will be alive. Now is your time to dance like rain and find your joy.
Tonight when my man gets home I will walk outside with him and feel the rain on my face. I will look to the sky and know that my joy is coming. In His time.